


National Lampoons: Balthuman's Camping Adventure

by bodypillow69



Category: Midnight Poppy Land (Webcomic)
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:37:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24670141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodypillow69/pseuds/bodypillow69
Summary: Poppy and Tora have planned a sexy camping trip to indulge in every fantasy. Unexpectedly, a third wheeler invites themself and hijinx ensue!
Relationships: Quincey/Poppy/Tora, Tora/Poppy
Comments: 15
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. This is not for serious, as I'm sure you will tell painfully quickly, I am no writer. If this makes someone giggle, or at least, blow a little air out of their nose in a small gesture of laughter, I will be vindicated. Have fun reading this trash baby! I may keep writing this until the public begs me to stop.

Poppy looked up from her checklist to glance at her clock. Almost time. She looked back down at her open luggage, making another mental run-through of her belongings. Carefully folded were several sexy new pairs of panties, barely there bras, a corset, whip, handcuffs, vibrator, nipple clinchers, and a few other items that only deepened her blush that was now spreading across her whole body. YOU CAN DO THIS POPPY! She thought as she shot up from where she had been sitting on her bedroom floor, the excitement and nervous energy taking over her, propelling her into a false sense of confidence. You remember everything Erdene told you! You are going to blow his mind over this camping sex trip!! Even as she thought that to herself, a little bit of self resolve melted away. Was she up for this? Was she going to embarrass herself to death? At least she would be in the middle of nowhere and could feed herself to the wolves in shame.

As self-doubt started creeping in, she heard the familiar clink of Tora's strawberry and avocado keychain jingle against her padlock. DAMMIT. She hurriedly threw a couple more items into her suitcase and slammed it shut. Grabbing her small fanny pack, she threw both suitcase and herself onto the couch and tried to act casual.

“Hey there, sweetheart” Tora mumbled against her cheek giving her a soft kiss after shutting her apartment door. Tora stood up and eyed the one suitcase and fanny pack that had so rudely taken his spot beside Poppy. 

“S’ that all you're packin’? I thought you girls always brought your whole closet to these kinds of things.” Poppy’s nerves immediately left her after Tora’s kiss, replaced by fantasies of what was to come. “I’m not like other girls” she playfully teased back.

Tora put both her suitcase and fanny pack next to her front door and quickly replaced them, sitting next to Poppy.

“What time are ya thinkin’ for tomorrow?” he talked into her hair as she snuggled closer. “I finished the checklist of the items we can get beforehand.” Poppy started excitedly "I found a great 7-11 on our way where we can stop and get a cooler to fill with some packaged lunches and dinner items. I also looked up the weather and if we leave at 12:00pm, even stopping at 7-11, that has us getting there about 3:00pm.”

Tora smiled at himself as Poppy excitedly rattled on about the details she had probably already planned out 10 times over. That girl loves her checklists. “You left out one important thing on that list of yours” Tora said with a sly smirk. Poppy stopped mid-sentence of what the wind mph was forecasted to look up at him in panic. “What did I forget?! Darnit, is it the first aid kit? What if there are snakes and we don’t have anything?!” Tora could hardly keep a straight face, it was always so fun playing with her. “No, Sweetheart,” he said as he leaned in close, his breath against her ear “What's on your checklist for tonight”?

Poppy immediately felt the familiar butterflies and that tingle between her thighs. She moved back to look into his wicked amber eyes as he slowly started to lay her down onto her sofa. She slowly started moving her hands down his back, feeling those hard muscles she was determined to memorize with her fingers. With his left hand, Tora ran his hand down the curves of her body, slowly moving down-

**BAAAAMMM**

Poppy’s apartment door slammed into her wall as it was thrown open into the wall by none other than

“HELLO, MY DARLLINGGSS~~~” Quincey sang in his highest falsetto.

Tora’s head snapped towards the door, his body still covering Poppy’s. Poppy laying under Tora, felt her mouth go agape. They both felt the cold wash of being cockblocked and dread wash over their bodies. Fuck.

“I will try and not let my feelings be wounded by those looks, really my loves, you should definitely keep this door locked! Tora, I’m so disappointed in you!! What if something happened to my sweet sugar plum, Poppy?!!” Both Tora and Poppy begrudgingly sat up, glaring at the man waving his arms around in dramatic elegance.

As quickly as he entered, he squeezed himself between Poppy and Tora on the already too small sofa. “REALLY Tora, has Daddy Balthuman taught you NOTHING?” Tora rolled his eyes and Poppy let out an impatient sigh “Quincey, what exactly brings you here?” She tried to put on her sweetest voice, she learned one too many times it’s not worth upsetting the prince and making his sudden appearances go unappreciated.

“Myyy DEAR! I am so glad you asked! Well, I just happened to overhear that sweet neighbor of yours, Dolores”  
“Debbie” Poppy interjected, trying not to sound exasperated  
“And she was talking to Tammy”  
“Teresa” Poppy was now slightly gritting her teeth  
“YES, the moomoo lady, so not flattering, but I did hear that they were coming into fashion in the spring/summer collection, Tricia better hold onto it now that I think about it…”

“GET TO THE POINT” Tora roared where his giant form had been pinned against the arm of the sofa. “YES, YES, Sugar Mouse, as I was SAYING” He gave Tora his most aristocratic glare. "They just couldn’t stop talking about my latest publication!! They couldn't get over the part where the pirate has to fight the tentacle man! You know, when the only weakness the tentacle man has is if you suck on—“  
“THE POINT, QUINCEY” Poppy gave Tora a panicked side-eye, she started contemplating stories to cover for them when Tora had to explain to Balthuman how his precious son was thrown from a balcony.

“My dear caramel eyed man, calm your pretty face, i don’t know what I would do with myself if you got early-onset wrinkles. But, YES! I came by to be the good samaritan I am, and inconspicuously left them two autographed copies! Really, I outdo myself when it comes to giving back.” He sighed in a dreamy way, gently holding his hand to his heart.

Tora stood up after that and headed towards the door, reaching for the knob “Alright princess, I think it’s time for you to go. Poppy and I have a long drive tomo-“ His eyes went wide as he made eye contact with Poppy and froze. Poppy was waving, wild-eyed behind Quincey.

Quincey elegantly cocked his head, his perfectly quaffed hair bouncing slightly “My dearest chickadees, why, where are you going? And driving yourselves? The thought always makes me shiver” he said as he made a sound in disgust. “Well..” Tora started, trying to read Poppy’s words she was desperately trying to implant into his head. “We…were thinking.. of taking some time..and going camping..” He could feel a tiny bead of sweat on the back of his neck. Fuckfuckfuck, he had gotten out of countless dangerous scenarios, almost been killed in every way possible, but this….This was scarier than any of those prospects.

Tora continued on, trying to fake an air of casualness “Poppy got it in her mind to go camping. Y’know, way out in the wilderness, really roughin’ it…I bet we won’t even be able to shower for days” he said as he waved it away with his hand. His eyes still going between Quincey and Poppy behind him, Poppy nodding in encouragement.

“Oh. My. God” Quincey said, dramatically pausing after every word. Relief washed over Tora. Good, there’s just no way he would-

That’s when Tora and Poppy saw it. That glazed look. That unnatural shimmer somehow only Quincey can conjure up, into his eyes. The humming vibration started to come off of his person as his excitement mounted. Looking at each other, Poppy and Tora could see it in one another’s eyes…horror.

“My. Little Scouts… OF COURSE, I’ll BE YOUR TROOP LEADER!!!! Let’s go CAMPING!”


	2. Land of the Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poppy, Tora, and Quincey begin their journey into the unknowwwwwwwwn!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you turn this story into a drinking game, take a shot every time Quincey uses a nickname for someone. You will be drunk, and might actually find this all entertaining. Don't @ me for alcohol poisoning.
> 
> Added bonus, at the end of the chapter is Quincey's outfit. Because FASHION.

Tora found himself, yet again, squashed uncomfortably next to Quincey, with Poppy sitting on the far side of the car bench. He knew they were in a Balthuman vehicle, not just from the luxurious low purr of the European engine, but the obnoxious custom classical orchestra that was playing through the speakers.

Tora can still remember leaning up against the wall, behind Vincent Balthuman’s ornate desk in his study.

—

“Boss, don’t you have something else, ANYTHING else? None of the Balthuman’s fleet can change the music, and it’s depressing” Starch whined, as usual. Tora glanced towards Vincent, who was leaning back in his plush leather chair, he could see his mouth twist into a grin. “My dear boy,” Vincent said with the same crescendo Quincey takes on when gently trying to inform those they lack good taste “Why, everyone must know what their final destination truly is, when they have the pleasure of riding in a Balthuman vehicle and hear my very own Orchestral piece playing.” he said while lazily cleaning his favorite letter opener, which Tora was sure had met more necks than envelopes.

“But boss, we only pick people up to get rid of’em!!” At that, Vincent slowly lifted his gaze, his eyes turning hard, freezing Scharch to the spot. Tora smirked, watching Scarch grow pale and squirm was a great way to pass time.

“Precisely!” Vincent said, his tone became warm. Somehow this was even more threatening, and Scharch turned a murky gray. 

Vincent lazily pointed his ornate letter opener in Scharch’s direction. “Is there anything more beautiful than being called to justice by the melody of Balthuman’s Outro?”

Always one for the theatrics, Tora thought.

\--

“Where is your sense of ADVENTURE?!” Quincey said, much too loudly and excitedly into what felt like Tora’s eardrum.

Tora gritted his teeth. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten himself blindfolded. Well, he could, but it usually involved Poppy. Not the over-enthusiastic Prince sitting next to him. Why had he agreed to this? Oh yes, because Poppy could never say no to Quincey’s puppy eyes when he turned them on.

“Hey, you know, this could be a fun adventure!” He could hear Poppy chime in from the other end of the bench. She sounded as if she was trying to convince herself, just as much as Tora.

Tora attempted to slyly reach his arm opposite of Quincey to lift his blindfold. Just enough to get my bearings, he thought to himself. Just then, he felt a tight clench around his wrist. Dammit, he may be a prince, but he’s still a Balthuman.

“No can do sugar bear, this is a surprise and nobody likes that one person in every friend group that completely RUINS the surprise party after months of planning. Completely self-centered, who doesn't appreciate the timing of a good surprise?! For instance, when someone comes in on their 27th birthday, you have to have the balloons drop and the strippers come out at the EXA-“

“UUUUGGGHH” Tora gave up the attempt of telling him to shut up. That’s it. It’s going to happen. Scenario’s played in his brain. Maybe they could fake a bear attack? Does he fall off a cliff? Yeah… maybe an accident rappelling down said cliff?

His ears piqued at the smug chuckle of the driver. He could recognize that anywhere, fucking Scharch. Okay, definitely death by repelling down a cliff.

Just as Tora had it all settled, they felt the vehicle come to a stop.

“We’re HERE!!!”

“And…where exactly is here..??” Poppy asked hesitantly knowing there was no good answer at this point.

“Well, the Balthuman forest preservation, OF COURSE!!” They heard the door open and Tora immediately yanked off his blindfold. He was met with Scharch’s smirking face outside the vehicles window. Son of a bitch. He leaned over Quincey and gently pulled Poppy’s blindfold down, letting his hand rest along her jawline, giving her a “Are you sure about this?” look. Poppy nodded reassuringly, and Tora internally groaned again. No gettin’ out of this one.

Once they had all gotten out of the vehicle, gear unpacked (Which, Tora noticed, their bags had significantly tripled) Scharch turned to Quincey, that smirk still firmly plastered across his face. “Will that be all, Master Quincey?”

“Why of course, my dear schoochie, see you in four days! You won’t even recognize my new ruggedness!” With that, Scharch shot Tora another look of pure gleeful smugness, jumped in the vehicle and purposefully left them in a cloud of dust.

Tora took a moment to take in his surroundings. It really was beautiful and serene, with lush trees and the flowers that popped color here in there wherever they could find the sun.

As if reading his thoughts, he felt Poppy interlace her fingers with his. “See, this isn’t going to be so bad, is it?” Poppy said as she laid her head against Tora’s arm. Tora stole a glance down and saw Poppy admiring the beautiful view in front of them. This was not exactly going as they had planned, but maybe they could make the most of it, he thought to himself feeling more content by the second.

“Hello, Cuddle Cakes! It’s time to set up camp!!!” Tora felt that familiar vein pulse in his temple. He slowly turned away from the picturesque camping trip he had envisioned the day before with Poppy and numerous sexcapades, to the harsh reality that was now literally facing him.

“Dear. God. Quincey” Tora blanched as he noticed Quincey’s outfit for the first time, since he was, after all, blindfolded not too long ago. “This is what you wore to go…camping?” He took in the 3 piece pastel ensemble Quincey was wearing. Complete with an undershirt, unbuttoned overshirt, and shorts with an obnoxious monogram running all over it. Not to mention the whitest pair of sneakers he’d ever seen.

“We may be camping Tora, but that doesn’t make me the same as these animals out here!” He waved off absently. Poppy came up beside Quincey and started sorting bags “So Quincey, what was the whole point of the blindfolds?” She asked while organizing. She couldn’t deny she was feeling anxious about this turn of events, so she set herself onto something that always made her feel better, organizing.

“Oh, well, what’s the fun in knowing how to get back? We are true survivors out here! Also, there’s very limited cell service out here, so I told Daddy B to turn off all our data!” Quincey stood up and shouted into the woods “WE’RE OFF THE GRID, SCOUTS!”

Tora and Poppy both looked at one another. Yep, Rappelling accident.

[](https://ibb.co/vs1HTdx)


End file.
